The Science Show
by spike that ass
Summary: Vocaloid and K-Pop unfortunately left a lasting impression on her. Combined with her affinity for tinkering (aka making inventions that usually blow up in her face), she will stop at nothing to make herself known in this new, dangerous world... as an idol. Featuring Deidara as an exasperated minion and an SI/OC with a penchant for kidnapping small children. Interconnected oneshots.
1. A Chance Meeting

_**A/N: I can't believe I'm actually doing this. An SI. For shame. And yes, I am aware Deidara supposedly doesn't get his mouth hands until he steals that technique. But for the sake of making things easier, he was born with them.**_

* * *

She wasn't quite sure how exactly she ended up in this situation. This must have been what they called 'solitary confinement', and it was exactly how it sounded like—a room about as large as a medium-sized closet with a dramatic wooden door sealing her in. Had she been any taller, there wouldn't have been enough room for her to vertically stretch out her entire body.

Usually, the only kid that ended up in here was that weird blond kid everyone always avoided. She hadn't seen him much. Maybe once or twice. The orphanage was a big place.

But she digressed.

She must have been rising fast on the matron's shit-list.

She may have also been a pathological liar. Of course, she hadn't started out like that. You see, when people feel the need to constantly defend themselves, the lying tends to become more habitual the more it happens.

She was six and already developing shinobi tendencies.

Good.

Because being a shinobi meant one very important thing— _money_. No, She was _not_ a miser. She wasn't Kakuzu—not by a longshot. Because, you see, Kakuzu was literally a massive ball of yearn with five hearts inserted in the midst of the tangle.

 _She_ was a six-year-old girl whose face would have blended perfectly with the rest of the orphans had she not been... herself. She was mentally sound. But she was someone with a passion—a _dream_. One that she hadn't gotten to fulfill in her old life. A dream that tended to have a little more... flair for the dramatic.

 _Oh, yes, I remember now,_ she thought, a small, slightly exasperated smile appearing on her lips. _It's because no one can handle my genius!_

Or rather, she had jumped off the roof and hang-glided halfway across the playground before a soft and gentle breeze caressed the delicate flaps of her marvelous invention and sent it toppling to the ground. About ten children had been injured—not grievously, mind you—but what was a science without a little sacrifice?

 _I was under the impression that declaring "for science" would automatically validate everything I do. Apparently, that is not the case._

She didn't remember much of her old life—she was unsure if she _ever did_ have one to begin with—perhaps she was just a vivid dreamer. But whatever the it was... whatever it may be—

She stood up abruptly, thumping her fist on the wall, tears rolling down her cheeks in an exaggerated fashion.

 _I wish I had gotten a cooler anime name!_

* * *

Ina was by no means a first name. It was, first and foremost, a s _urname,_ and it was the only name she had ever known since beginning her life in the Naruto world. She had figured it out pretty quickly when one of the matrons—a retired shinobi—had done a shunshin to catch her when she had thought that it would be a good idea to take a flying leap off the roof with a parachute made out of ten layers of potato peels.

Perhaps it was just her location, but the Narutoverse—her world, now—wasn't looking like anything special. She'd never met anyone who could use jutsu, other than that retired shinobi, and had never felt the buzz of chakra through her veins.

But chakra or not, the first thing Ina did when she got out from solitary confinement was return to her lab. Otherwise known as the shed on the roof that no one ever went up to because she had told the children that it was haunted and held up a bloody arm—she'd slashed the wounds herself, naturally.

It was just an arm. She could always get another one, right? And it wasn't as if she had lost it—the matrons just had a tendency to overreact. But she made her mind up to be more careful with her body parts after that—she wouldn't be able to fulfill her dream without it.

 _Besides,_ Ina told herself as she fixed her broken hang glider. She'd dug it up from the dumpster. _I don't want to end up losing all four of my limbs and having to have to live in a wheelbarrow for the rest of my days, paying some hick five ryo a day to push me around and wipe my ass._

The wind blew especially hard against her, and she shouted as her one good wrench tipped out of her toolbox. _Curse you wind! I curse thy mother!_ She left her hang glider unattended as she went to pick up her tools. As she did, she noticed a commotion right below her position on the roof.

"Ehh?" Ina sat down with her legs crossed, observing. "It's that blond kid... The troublemaker." _He looks familiar... is he canon?_

Whoever he was, he was certainly _not_ Naruto, because she was an orphan in a place that was certainly _not_ Konoha. The Konoha she imagined did _not_ look like this. Not even during times of war, when everything was bleak and dark like it was right now.

And Naruto at this age had never gotten so worked up at being excluded before—normally, he was just depressed and walked around with his head hung low.

"Hrr!" the blond growled, throwing something at them with a strength that made Ina's eyes widen. "I said LEAVE ME ALONE!" The projectile smacked the tallest offender in the head.

It was clay.

Ina fully expected something big to happen. Perhaps something would explode.

 _This... must be...!_

"Huh?" the second bully, who had watched the lead bully topple over, ogled his friend, a bead of sweat dripping down his cheek. "H-hey! You stole supplies from the art room, didn't ya?! I'm telling!"

"If you tell, I'll blow you all up, un!" the blond child hissed, and Ina nearly fell off the roof from how far she was leaning over the ledge. His sleeve fell back, revealing an already lit match. How the tiny flame hadn't burned his clothing, she didn't know.

The second and third bully stepped back, wariness in their eyes. But then the wind blew out the match.

The third bully started to gain confidence again. "Hah! You don't have your fire anymore—"

"I was kidding, jerk! I don't need something as _prim-tive_ as fire, un! Katsu!"

There was a puff of white smoke, and Ina ducked her head. _Whoa! Did he just blow off his face?!_

That was...

 _Pretty cool, yet extremely violent. I like that._

The smoke dispersed quickly, and the lead bully had some minor burns at worst. Ina sweatdropped. _Maybe I was hoping for too much._

Deidara—because that was who he was—looked down at his tongue-palmed hands. "Shit."

"GET HIM!"

With a war cry, the boys clashed, Deidara doing his best to fend off the bigger, taller bullies. He was an angry child, that was for sure, and he fought like his life depended on it. But, unfortunately, Deidara was about four and an untrained orphan, while the bullies were in their first year of the ninja academy.

When Deidara was smacked painfully to the ground, Ina frowned. _Maybe I should do something..._ _But what? I haven't unlocked any chakra as far as I know, and the only muscle I have is from building my inventions. And running. Lots of running from the matrons._ To be fair, only the former shinobi one had ever managed to catch in an under an hour.

She didn't have to waste time thinking about saving Deidara too much, because karma was clearly a bitch to everyone, including those punks. The wind blew hard, and Ina's contraption—the hang glider—was carried off into the air. It all felt like slow motion. The hang glider whipped through the breeze... until the gale suddenly stopped, leaving the machine suspended in the air.

Her eyes followed the glider as it fell, wincing slightly when it landed right on top of the bullies. It knocked out one, but one was struggling to get up. Ina looked at the wrench in her hand, contemplative.

Then, without further notice, Ina dropped the wrench on the remaining boy's head.

He was out like a light.

Deidara glanced upward.

And Ina waved to him. "Yo. Can you pass that back up here? I paid for that wrench with my blood, sweat and tears. Dumpster-diving isn't easy, you know."

Bewildered, Deidara slowly picked up the tool and tossed it to her.

It smacked her in the chest, and she squawked. "Geez, if that were a kunai, I would have died!"

Deidara lifted his chin defiantly. "Gonna do something about it?"

"You bet I am, you brat!" Ina calmed down with a small huff. "I'm going to invite you into my shed. Wow, that sounds wrong, please don't take that the wrong way." She paused. "I've got candy and probably some clay somewhere. Wanna come?"

"... Okay."

Because four was a trusting age when you weren't Hatake Kakashi or Uchiha Itachi.

"But I'll blow you up if you try anything funny, un."

 _I take that back. But that doesn't matter... because I'm going to take this kid on amazing adventures in this screwball world and nobody's going to do jackshit about it. The story resolves itself, and Deidara only served as a minor antagonist in the series when compared to guys like Madara and Kaguya. No biggie._

They were not old enough to leave the orphanage by themselves yet, but Ina was not without a plan, if that one music video she remembered from her past life was any inspiration to her.

* * *

"There's no candy," Deidara said accusingly.

"Just a heads up, I'm a pathological liar."

"Shit."

Ina chopped him over the head, making him growl. "Don't swear, you're, like, three." _Even if you grow up to be a total hottie in the series._

"Four, un!"


	2. Sasuke Is Kidnapped

_**A/N: Pretty self-explanatory, ne?**_

* * *

The Uchiha were a proud clan of shinobi warriors, but that did not mean that they didn't have any civilians in the family. On the contrary—the Uchiha were well versed in the art of business, and being Clan Head, Uchiha Fugaku made it his business to deal with such proceedings.

And since he was travelling to the Land of Hot Water this week to meet with a prospective client, he decided to take his entire family—bar Itachi, who was busy with ANBU duties—on a three-day vacation to Yugakure.

"But _why_ couldn't aniki come?" Sasuke asked for the third time upon entering the village.

"Because he's busy," was usually the answer they gave him. But this time, Mikoto suggested, "Why not get him a souvenir? I hear Yugakure has excellent quality dango."

After they settled in their hotel, Fugaku had to part from Sasuke and Mikoto to meet their client. Mikoto took Sasuke to the market, where old ladies fussed over his cute appearance.

If there was one thing he hated, Sasuke swore that it was fussing females. Like he didn't get enough unwanted attention from the females in his own age group. He didn't need a bunch of eighty-year-old ladies fawning over him, too!

"Look at his _widdle_ cheeks."

"His frown is adorable!"

"He looks like a smart boy—does he know his twelve times tables, yet?"

"I wish my grandson looked that good—"

"Oi!"

"Shut up and wash the dishes, Ryuu."

Sensing that he was on the verge of imploding, Mikoto quickly guided him through the streets and to a less crowded area.

Sasuke loved his mother very much, though he had little patience for her... past time.

Shopping. The dreaded activity that any man with an adequate amount of testosterone pumping through their system hated.

"These beads are lovely," Mikoto said, showing Sasuke a beaded necklace. "What do you think, Sasuke?" Her eyes were gentle, her smile warm.

Sasuke harrumphed. "It's... okay."

Mikoto turned back to the store owner. "Do you have this available in cornflower or midnight blue? I don't think sunset is quite the right shade for me."

"Okaa-san," Sasuke said impatiently an hour later. "Can we go get the dango for aniki, now?"

Mikoto looked torn between pleasing her son and those ruby red shoes on display, but in the end, she took Sasuke to the dango shop.

"My, it's popular," Mikoto commented, placing one finger over her lips. "I can't even see the counter from here."

Apparently, they were having a sampling session this afternoon, hence the large crowd. They had nearly shouldered their way to the front of the shop when something caught Sasuke's eye.

"Hey!" he shouted, tugging at his mother's sleeve. "That's aniki's favorite flavor! I'm going to get it." He went toward the shelves with said flavor, ignoring his mother's protests of "don't go off on your own".

He had to get to the shelves. There were only a few boxes left. _There! Now I've got you_ —

Then it all went dark. But before that, he had the very uncomfortable feeling of needing to go to the bathroom.

* * *

Sasuke awoke slowly, groggily. "Where... am I?" _Where's okaa-san?! Otou-sama?!_

He tried to move, but it seemed that he was tied to a chair. The room was completely dark, and his breathing quickened in panic. What the hell was happening?

Suddenly, a light above his head flickered, making him wince.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Sasuke-tan."

Sasuke quickly tried to school his face into a glare, but, inwardly, he was quickly losing his shit. "Who are you?!"

The light was bright, but it didn't completely encompass the room. All Sasuke could see of the speaker were the toes of her boots. Who wore boots, anyway? Ninja sandals were way better. And his kidnapper had to be some kind of shinobi, right?

Her voice was... young, surprisingly. She couldn't have been much older than him.

She ignored his question and flicked something, making the room around him whir to life. Terrified, Sasuke began to squirm in his chair, ignoring the ninja wire digging into his flesh. He needed to get out of here, fast.

"Welcome... to my—!"

"Oi, Ina-no-danna, the toilet's blocked again, un." Someone opened the door behind her, letting in more light, and allowing Sasuke to see her silhouette. She was surprisingly small.

Then the lights turned on in the room, and Sasuke had to blink.

"Oh my fucking god, you did _not_ just ruin the opening paragraph of my mad scientist monologue."

"Oh, he's awake?" The newcomer was a blond teenager around the age of twelve. The girl—yes, the person Sasuke had been scared of was a _little girl_ —scowled at the boy, who wore his blond hair in a peculiar fashion: a canary's wing over the left side of his face.

"Damn right, he's awake! You know what, _fuck you_ , Deidara."

"Fuck _you_!" Deidara shouted back, grimacing. "That's the third time this week that the toilet's gotten clogged, un! Some inventor you are, you piece of shit." He gave Sasuke a _look_ that made him freeze up. "Why did you kidnap the kid again?"

"So I can become an idol! Why do you think I went through the stupid ninja academy and held myself back just to wait for you? I need money to fund my inventions and Project Freakshow! Sasuke-tan is just another stepping stone to achieve my dream!" Ina hissed—actually _hissed_ —at him angrily. She pointed a finger at her prisoner. "Do you think I get some sort of sick pleasure from kidnapping small children?"

There was a pause.

"I wouldn't put it past you—"

"Shut up, Deidara. I'm two years older than you, so show some respect."

Deidara rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. "Make yourself respectable first, then we'll see, un."

"Um," Sasuke said intelligently, instantly regretting it when both Deidara and Ina turned to him.

"Right," Ina said, addressing the elephant in the room. She dug something out of the pocket of her lilac yukata, a shade that went nicely with her blonde hair. On top of her traditional wear was a white lab coat. Deidara was dressed similarly, only difference being that his undergarment was green. "Want some candy?"

Deidara face-palmed. "You sound like a _pedophile_."

"Hey, I didn't molest you when I invited you into my shed with the promise of candy, did I?"

The boy grimaced. "I was _four_ , un."

"And I brilliantly took advantage of it like the genius I am," Ina said proudly, preening as she patted herself on the back.

"You're not a genius, yeah, you're just a nutcase."

"I—shit!" Ina began to sweat. "I can feel shinobi coming this way. I guess that's what you get when you kidnap a high profile child." Her face contorted into something terrifying, and Sasuke shivered.

"Your face is scary," he blurted out.

Ina glared at him. "Well, your family is going to _die_ _horribly_ one day—probably, like, by the end of the month judging by your age—and there's _nothing_ you can do about it."

Sasuke's face fell, and, against his will, he felt tears beginning to well up in his eyes.

"Shit, you made him cry, un. Like we aren't already in deep shit," Deidara sneered. "Why did you have to say that?"

"He said my face was scary. I wanted him to know true fear." Ina clapped her hands together. "But no more chitchat! Time to get the fuck outta here. Did you see my bag?"

"It's on the counter. Did you get want you wanted?"

"Yeah, I have his face committed to memory mask. He's going to make an excellent puppet design."

Before Sasuke knew it, Deidara had exploded the wall and a clay bird big enough to fit the two of them on its back had popped into existence.

"Shame," Ina said, "I was hoping to use my latest invention to get out of this mess. No matter. Forward, Deidara, my minion! For science!"

"We're technically missing-nin, un," he pointed out as the bird took to the air. "Not exactly scientist material."

Sasuke gaped after them, not even reacting when the cavalry (made up of his parents and a few shinobi) arrived. _What the hell... just happened?_


	3. The Pianoinator

_**A/N: I saw reviews and I was like wow wtf people actually read my shit so I posted another chapter, kek. Thanks for reviewing.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Phineas and Ferb.**_

* * *

"Just a few screws here and a twist and turn there..." Ina frowned and wiped the sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand. "This could use a little fine tuning."

"You think?" Deidara said drolly, fiddling with a ball of clay in his hands. His expression was the epitome of boredom; he was certainly looking the part of a quintessential bored teenager. "What kind of animal should I make, un?"

"Eh..." Ina was trying to peek underneath her latest creation in the works—a relatively simple wheeled piano that had a steel-reinforced surface. The wheels were designed for off-roading, and were about the half the size of car tyres in her old life. "Make it a cat."

"Why a cat?"

"It was my zodiac animal."

"Your _what_? You know what, never mind."

 _Oh, if only you knew,_ Ina thought, smiling as she did the finishing touches on her invention. _The cat came last in the race, having been outsmarted by the rat, and hence never got a position in the zodiac._

It was mid-afternoon and the two teenagers had stopped for lunch about half an hour ago in a spot along the road in the Land of Waves, a peaceful, quiet place. Gato would not have the land in his clutches until a few years later. Currently, Ina was fifteen, while Deidara was thirteen.

Lunch ended relatively quickly, but Ina had insisted on taking her work in progress out from its storage scroll to work on it a bit more.

"Are you done yet?" Deidara droned, having finished the cat just then. He was eyeing it like an critic would eye a painting in an art gallery.

"Nearly," Ina said, standing up. "Should I add sticker flames?"

" _No_."

"But it's cool!"

"No it's not. It's tacky, un."

"Oh, fine. Then I'm done. Wanna take it for a test ride?"

Deidara beheld it warily.

"It's safe, bonehead," Ina said gruffly. "Just sit down on the seat—which happens to be attached so conveniently to the piano and is also wheeled—and let the magic begin."

Not looking at all soothed, Deidara glared at her once before complying, carefully settling his weight on the chair. He was about to tentatively touch a key when one of the wheels suddenly flew off into the air and bounced down the road. Without the wheel supporting the weight of the piano, it sagged, tilting sideways. Deidara just managed to regain his bearings to slide off with ease.

"Wow," Ina deadpanned. "I think we should train more often. You're becoming a fatso."

He cussed her out but it fell on deaf ears as she packed her disfigured invention away into a storage scroll.

"C'mon," she beckoned. "We should catch that tyre before it gets eaten or something."

The look on Deidara's face was one that expressed "what in the ever living fuck would eat a tyre" but they fell into a comfortable silence as they chased after the wayward tyre.

"Ne, Deidara?" Ina said as they neared the wheel. "I think I just came up with the best name for this invention."

"Does it end with _-inator_?"

"... Yes."

He snorted.

"Hey! Don't diss the creativity of Dr. Doofenshmirthz!" _Thankfully, anyone that can sue me does not exist in this world._

"Who?!"

Oh, how she loved dropping hints and references from her old world. It confused and annoyed the hell out of Deidara, and if she stretched it a little, he would probably think she was possessed. Which, honestly, wasn't that far-fetched considering her circumstances. It was funny—as she grew up, she began to recollect the most _useless_ things from her past life. She couldn't even remember her own name but she remembered Phineas and Ferb enough to place such references.

Finally, they caught up to the tyre, which had fallen down on its side at the bottom of the hill.

After some readjustments, she fit the tyre back on to the piano. It was perfect, and she couldn't help but grin and pray that it wouldn't spontaneously combust.

"Alright, Dei," Ina declared, cracking her knuckles. "Watch and learn—I am not only a genius at science, but at music as well!"

"Are you a genius in balancing your own weight? If not, good luck with that, un," Deidara sniped.

"It's not gonna break. You're just fat. Or pregnant."

"I am not fat, you bitch!" Deidara snapped. "And I don't have a womb, un!"

She frowned at him, rubbing her chin. "Maybe we should check, just in case." Grinning deviously, Ina reached for his waistband, and he instantly backed off.

"That's called being a child predator, Ina. Get the hell away from me."

"I swear, you're _always_ accusing me of being a child predator," Ina complained as she seated herself on the piano seat.

Deidara raised an eyebrow. "You don't exactly make it very hard, un." _Half the things you say and do are incredibly, incredibly questionable, even by my standards,_ he thought, sweatdropping.

"Yeah, yeah." Ina scooted over to the left and patted the empty space beside her. "Sit with me. There's room for one more."

He did, and Ina pulled a lever at the back of the contraption, and it started moving. Deidara suspected it was a rudder or a brake of some sort.

"Okay, here it goes," Ina breathed, "Time to live out that music video." Her fingers settled on the ivory keys.

And then she began to play as the piano transported them down the dirt road. The movement wasn't as smooth as it could be, Ina managed, not even missing a beat.

 _I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Suck it, Vanessa Carlton, because I'm not using any special effects!_

"And if I could fall," she sang at the top of her lungs, ignoring Deidara's wince. "Into the sky. Do you think time would pass me by?!" She whooped and laughed as they whisked through the Land of Waves, not even bothering to sing the rest. That had been her favorite part and she didn't want to burst her minion's eardrums.

Deidara, used to her antics, merely sighed and propped chin in his palm, his elbow resting on the side of the piano. "Crazy woman..."

They rode on the piano for the rest of the afternoon, rolling into town as twilight gathered, and Deidara had to grudgingly admit that it'd been an enjoyable experience no matter how odd or out of this world it was. Seriously, what kind of sane person travelled through the country side on a rolling piano?!

Then again, Ina had never been completely sane to Deidara, no matter how much she insisted that she was mentally sound.

"There's no shinobi around," Ina announced after checking into an inn. They were sitting in their shared room, the piano sealed in a storage scroll. "In this whole town. We can set up a base here. It won't be a few years until we start getting trouble."

"How do you know that?" Deidara asked.

"Call it a hunch. But isn't this fun, Deidara? We've been out of Iwa for almost two years now... we're not indoctrinated soldiers! We get to do whatever the hell we want!" Ina sighed blissfully as she flopped backward into her soft bed. "I nearly have the first puppet set complete. But right now, our goal is to rake in the cash through missions."

"We're not gonna rob them blind?"

"Nope. I have to secure fans, you know. For the whole idol gig. When we're not doing missions, we can perform in town together. Me being awesome with my singing and piano-playing skills—"

A snort.

"—and you with the aesthetics. Fireworks and all."

"That _was_ the plan we agreed on," Deidara stated, flopping back on his own bed. "Are you still looking for more puppet designs?"

"Yep. The Sasuke one is pretty cute, but I want..." _Sakura, Naruto, and Kakashi! All to myself!_ "... Something more exotic."

"I'm already getting worried, yeah, and that's saying something considering it's _me_ ," Deidara commented.

"Considering your favorite pastime is blowing things up, I would like to wrap that remark in a ribbon and give it right back to you."

"I reject your ribbon."

"I reject your rejection."

Deidara sat up, scowling. "Well, I reject your rejection of my rejection, un."

Ina blinked. "I reject."

Downstairs, the innkeeper began to worry and sweat when he heard mini explosions being set off. _Kids these days..._

* * *

"I CALL IT THE _PIANOINATOR_!" Ina whipped off the tarp she kept over the piano, which she had wheeled into an old lady's house. The woman had hired them to weed her garden.

Next to her, Deidara was whacking her arm while covering his face. "Shut up, shut up, _please_ _shut up_."

The old woman gave them a genial smile. "That's nice, dear, but how is it going to help it weed my garden?"

Ina grinned, pulling out a storage scroll. "Ah! Just wait till you see my Weedpullerinator! You'll be singing a different _tune_ , ma'am!" She howled a laugh, nudging Deidara and ignoring her bruised arm. "Geddit?! Because I have the Pianoinator right next to me!"

"SHUT _UP_."


	4. Child Safety 101

_**A/N: Saw them reviews so I was like:**_

 _ ***Primitive Spongebob meme***_

* * *

If there was one combination that Deidara thought was incredibly inappropriate, disastrous, and shortsighted, it would be Ina and a classroom full of children between the ages five to ten.

"We don't have to accept _every_ mission we get, un," Deidara had tried to get himself out of it when they received the mission request.

"Nonsense, my minion!" Ina had replied infuriatingly. "What about customer loyalty? Morale? Fans? We have to think ahead."

He hadn't believed her reasoning for a second, but decided to stick around to see things unfold.

The mission was assigned to them by the headmaster of the local schoolhouse in the village. Apparently, a class of civilian children were supposed to be having an outside party come in and talk about safety, but he couldn't make it.

And so, Ina and Deidara now stood in front of a class of twenty children, each one of them looking up at them with wide, curious eyes.

"Alright, kids!" Ina announced. "Since the headmaster and your conveniently absent teacher have left absolutely no instructions for us, it looks like we're going to wing it. Now, tell me..." She smiled genially at the children sitting on the carpet floor in front of her. "Who knows what a rapist is?"

Deidara introduced his palm to his face. "Ina-boke... Couldn't you have picked a better way to start?" _And did she really have to grin like that while saying it?!_

Surprisingly, a few of the older kids put their hands up, but the definitions they gave were vague at best.

"Basically, a rapist is someone who wants to touch your body in places you've probably never touched before. Allow me to demonstrate. Dei, get your ass over here, stat."

" _Hell no_ , you crazy bi— _woman_ ," Deidara caught himself at the last moment, glaring at her. "I think they get the point, yeah—SO STOP TRYING TO PAT MY ASS!"

"It's for educational purposes!" Ina argued as her hand wandered, pouting when Deidara roughly slapped it away. "If these kids get raped in the future, it's on you. But _fine_ , have it your way." Ina stuck her nose in the air before popping out a sandwich board from the storage scroll she carried in the sleeve of her yukata. Sleeves could be extremely useful.

On the sandwich board, 'RAPIST' was written in bold in marker, while there was a piece of paper sticky-taped a few inches above it.

"There is only one thing worse than a rapist," Ina said dramatically, surprising Deidara with how solemn she sounded. She ripped off the paper, revealing the characters for 'CHILD'. But then she ruined it by stage-whispering to him, "Say 'a child'."

Deidara squinted at her. "What?"

"Just say it!"

"Ugh, fine." Deidara rolled his eyes, but humored her anyway. "A child."

"No," Ina deadpanned, though Deidara could hear the glee trickling through her flat tone. Then she burst into hysterical giggles. "Sorry. Sorry!"

Deidara whacked her upside the head, his patience running thin. "You're doing it again! Making jokes that only you get, un!" When she continued to guffaw, he threw a blackboard eraser at her, causing her sober with a snort.

"Ahem," Ina cleared her throat in a vain attempt to compose herself. "Deidara, why don't you take a turn?"

The kids' eyes turned to him and Deidara's cheek twitched, having not prepared anything beforehand. "Uh."

"Eloquent."

"Shut the hell up." Deidara crossed his arms and regarded the children with a serious look. "Kids... Don't take candy from strangers. Don't talk to strangers in general. If they try to touch you, scream as loud as you can, un. Got it?"

"Yes!" the children chorused.

About forty minutes had passed and they were in the last fifteen minutes of the lesson when Ina pulled out a sketch that she'd been doing on a piece of paper using the teacher's desk as support during the lesson. "Alright, last thing for today, kiddies. I'm going to teach you how to spot a pedophile." She held up the drawing for all to see, and even Deidara leaned in toward her to take a look.

Ina started to point at certain features of the man when alarm bells rang in Deidara's brain. "Notice the receding hairline and the thick glasses..."

That sketch was a perfect imitation of the principal.

Before Deidara could even decide what to do with that information, said principal walked into the classroom.

"These are the kinds of people that you want to avoid when walking home from school," Ina continued, seemingly oblivious to the principal's entrance.

But Deidara knew better—Ina was a sensor, after all.

There was a beat as the kids stared at the principal.

Then a girl stood up, pointing at the man and screaming at the top of her lungs. "AAAHHHHHHHH! PEDOPHILE!"

That set off the other kids as well, and soon, Deidara could hear nothing over the noise of the shrieking children.

Ina smiled proudly. "My work here is done."

"You are fucking _insane_ ," Deidara said bluntly as someone nailed the principal in the shoulder with a rubber ball, making him stumble backward and trip over a stray chair.

"I think you mean 'genius', Dei."

"No. No, I do not. You belong in a mental hospital, un," Deidara stated plainly, though he couldn't keep the grin off his face.

Ina shrugged. "I'll save you a spot when I get there. For now, let's blow this joint! But not literally, mind you."

Deidara was right behind her.

* * *

Tsunami blinked in surprise when her five year old son, Inari, shied away from Tazuna, who was expecting a hug. Inari always hugged his grandpa upon coming home from school.

"What's wrong, Inari?" she asked worriedly.

Tazuna, in all his receding hairline and thick glasses glory, was scratching his head in confusion.

"Mom... is... is Grandpa a pedophile?"

"WHAT?!"


	5. Potatoes And Socks

_**A/N: Less on the funny side, but *shrug***_

* * *

Lightning flashed and thunder echoed in the clouds as heavy rain poured across the earth. In the Land of Waves, a nation situated on one island in an archipelago, the citizens were asleep, resting peacefully. However, in an inn on the west side of the town, light could be seen through a window flickering excitedly. And if one looked more closely, they might have seen sparks fly as well.

"At last..." Ina murmured, a grin splitting her face as she beheld her creation. "My darling is complete!" _It is time to commence the mad scientist laugh! Ahem._ "Aris... Aram... rise, my pretties! Rise! Mwahahahaha—!"

Ina screeched in terror when a fist suddenly punched through the paper screen separating her workbench and the rest of the room.

The arm removed itself and Deidara's narrowed eye could be seen glaring through the hole he had created. "It's three in the damn morning!" he snapped, pulling the paper screen aside. "Why are you still up?!"

"Dei! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" Ina relaxed and crossed her arms. "I, for one, am extremely glad you're up, because I have something to show you." Chakra threads appeared and two shapes were lifted up from her work table. "I had a little trouble with finding a more flexible anchor seal, but it's all good, my dude. Look!"

Her two puppets were more realistic-looking than Deidara had expected, and he cringed back in surprise. _If I didn't know any better, I'd say they were bodies..._

"Meet Aris and Aram, my two little stars," gushed Ina, a blush appearing on her cheeks. "You like? I made Aris the gothic loli and Aram the mature, older sister. Technically, they're fraternal twins. And because I'm awesome, they totally halves of the same soul."

"It's..." Deidara eyed the two puppets, ignoring the small shiver that ran down his spine. "Nice, yeah," he finished lamely. "But why does it look so... real?"

"Oh, that?" Ina smirked. "You'd be surprised what a small henge can do. The user gathers up chakra to transform into something else. You know why the anchor seals were so hard for me to make? Because I had to make sure that the chakra used for a tyical henge was always flowing through it."

Damn. Deidara almost slammed his face into her desk. It was such a simple solution! And here he had thought that she had gone digging up graves while his back was turned. Instead, he asked, "Where are you getting the external chakra source from, un?"

"Oh, that?" Ina tapped the foreheads of her puppets. "It's not a permanent solution and will need to be stocked up every once in a while, but I have chakra leaking from _this_ seal up here with a constant flow rate." She yawned, the chakra threads dissipating and Aris and Aram falling back onto the bench. "Man, I'm pooped." Eyes half-lidded, she stretched out her arms. "Take me to bed, Dei."

Deidara let out a long-suffering sigh. "I swear, the things I put up with..." He allowed her to fall into his arms and drag her back to her bed.

"I'm your best friend," she murmured tiredly before yawning again. "Without me, you could have ended up with..." Her lips twitched. "Whatever. I'll think of something."

"Right." He threw her onto her bed, making her yelp and grumble. "We have a mission tomorrow. You've got about three hours to sleep, un."

"Fuuuuuuuu..." Ina groaned and placed the pillow over her head. "The life of an idol is hard... and I'm still years away from debuting... But I will. I swear I will..." She was asleep in no time.

Deidara shook his head before retiring for the night as well, his blond hair a frazzled mess over his pillow. _How did this all start again? Oh, right..._

* * *

"Hmm!" A six-year-old Ina rummaged through the shelves of her shed as a four-year-old Deidara lingered by the doorway. "I was sure I had some here somewhere..."

"Look," Deidara said impatiently, folding his arms. "Do you have clay or not?"

"I do, I do! Shush, you cute, little thing."

 _Why am I still here?_ Deidara asked himself. _I could be doing a lot more stuff right now... instead of just standing here. She's weird. Why does she have so many tools?_

"Aha!"

 _There's even some kind of... bicycle-airship? A snow globe, a broken teacup, an old boot... Is she a hoarder?_ Deidara nearly screamed when something plopped onto his face. He grabbed the thing and found out that it was clay. Ina had thrown it at him.

"It's not the best quality," she said apologetically, halfheartedly fixing up the mess she had made looking for the ball of clay. "But you have fun with that."

"Where's the candy?"

"Oh... uh... about that..." She rubbed the back of her blonde head sheepishly and stuck her tongue out at him. "I... lost it?"

"There is no candy," Deidara accused, narrowing his eyes.

She snorted, waving a hand at him dismissively. "Just a heads up, I'm a pathological liar."

Deidara blinked slowly. _Well then._ "Shit." He cried out when she not-so-gently karate-chopped him on the head, her nose in the air and her eyes closed. Scowling, he growled at her, but she was unfazed.

"Don't swear," she scolded him, wagging a finger in front of his face. "You're, like, three."

The younger child straightened indignantly. _Hey!_ Just because he was on the small side didn't mean that he was a three-year-old _baby_! "Four, un!" _Who does she think she is, huh?!_ He whacked her hand away, making her pout. "Why are you so weird? You're the only one in the orphanage other than me that gets in trouble a lot."

"Ooft." She pretended to be hurt, placing a hand over her heart. "Don't call me weird. You just haven't seen my side of life yet, you know? I'm an inventor, Deidara. It's my art. Why, you might even call me Ina-no-Danna."

"Art!" Deidara bristled. "That's not art, un! Art is—"

"AN EXPLOSION!" Deidara was nearly knocked off his feet when she suddenly threw her arms in the air and began to cackle like a madwoman. "And I totally agree—to some extent. Most of my inventions spontaneously combust anyway, so we're on the same page here. You know what, kid, when we're older, I'm going to take you to see the world."

"... What?" He looked up at her, confused. _I've never met a person who agreed with my art before..._ She was still weird, though. Even if they shared the same perspective of art. "What's there to see?" he deadpanned. "There's nothing out there. Just death and fighting, un." Perks of growing up as a war orphan, he supposed.

Ina winced. "Man, you're a cynical brat. I bet the only way you release your anger and hatred on the world is through those boom-booms of yours. But who am I to judge? At least you're not _totally_ emo like a certain Uchiha... Never mind! Point is, I like you. Enough to take you along with me to become a super famous idol."

Well, that was certainly an odd ambition. Most kids his age wanted to be a shinobi.

"Here's the plan." Deidara flinched back when Ina took him by the hands, smiling.

"W-wait," he stammered, cursing himself when his mouth-hands opened up. Those always freaked people out, especially girls. Any hope he had for this weird camaraderie to blossom was crushed when she noticed his tongue prodding her calloused palms.

"Oh, wow," she whispered, untangling their fingers and grabbing him gently by the wrist to observe his hand-mouths.

"You think they're weird, don't you?" Deidara hissed, pulling away. "Are you going to hate me, too?!"

"You..." Ina broke out into a grin. "You're so cute! Your hand-mouths are so _widdle_!"

Somehow, this was an even worse reaction that Deidara had expected. She ran her finger along the lips of his hand-mouths, and he shivered.

"What are you doing?!" _That tickles, un!_

"I want to adopt you!" she declared. "I totally would if I were older. But from now on, can we be partners?"

"Uh..."

"Please?"

Deidara shuffled away from her. "I guess, un." He wasn't really sure what she meant by 'partner', but it didn't sound like anything _too_ weird. "What do I do?"

Her smile grew even bigger. Somehow, it was both warm and terrifying to look at at the same time. "For now? We're going to be experimenting. Come, Deidara!" She grabbed him by the hand and led him down her shed. "This is the start of a beautiful friendship! We're conducting electricity using potatoes and socks today!"

"Huh?! H-hey, wait, un!"

She laughed when he fell flat on his face.

* * *

"Don't leave me..."

Deidara stood over Ina's bed, where the girl was sleeping and mumbling things in her sleep. He saw a small tear gathering at the corner of one eye, and shifted uncomfortably.

There was only one thing to do.

Ina woke up screaming indignantly when Deidara dumped a bucket of cold water over her. "I DIDN'T DO IT! IT WASN'T ME! I SWEAR, I DIDN'T EAT THE LAST FRIED CHICKEN!"

"Geez, Ina-no-Danna," Deidara said. "I'm really curious as to what kinds of dreams you have, un. Was it really about fried chicken?"

"Ah... sure." Ina looked away, grimacing.

"Also, we're late for our mission."

"FU—" Her curses were muffled when he threw her shinobi pants in her face.


	6. Team Taka Just Wanted To Eat Lunch

_**A/N: In the summary, it's mentioned that these are interconnected one shots. Meaning that they don't necessarily have to be linear. So here we are.**_

* * *

"Hey, Sasuke, pass the sauce."

"Can't you see he's busy, asshole?"

"He's reading the menu, toots; how busy can he be?"

Sasuke grimaced, squinting at the menu, his Sharingan threatening to activate. "Everything in this menu... comes with a serving of natto."

Suigetsu barked out a laugh, his sharp teeth gleaming. "That's right—you're one of those people who can't stand natto, aren't cha?"

Karin, who was sitting next to Juugo and opposite Sasuke, uncrossed and crossed her legs, eagerly watching Sasuke's forehead bead with sweat as he struggled to choose a food item.

Eventually, a waitress arrived in front of them, a blush on her face as she regarded them all. "Welcome! Can I take your order?"

Suigetsu lifted his menu. "Yeah, I'll get—"

"EVERYBODY FREEZE! THIS IS A ROBBERY!"

People screamed in fear as three generic looking villains with makeshift masks made out of burlap over their heads stormed the teahouse, each of them carrying tantos.

 _Wonderful,_ Sasuke thought sardonically. _Like I need any more loudmouth idiots to ruin my day._ His cheek twitched. It was bad enough that natto came with every dish on the lunch menu, and now they were being robbed by two-bit bandits.

"Lame," Suigetsu commented, slurping on a water drink obnoxiously.

"For once, I have to agree," Karin chimed, adjusting her glasses and looking at the bandits with a scornful expression. "Hey, Sasuke, should we take care of this?"

"Who the _fuck_ wants to rob a teahouse?"

Sasuke was saved from answering as a new voice piped up over the hushed murmurs, and the crowd parted to reveal a blond man marching toward the robbers with his arms crossed.

"Oi! Oi!" Generic Villain Number One pointed his tanto threateningly at the man, who Sasuke assumed was the pissed off, unimpresssed owner of the teahouse. "Get back! Before I carve a number into that pretty boy face of yours!"

Though the tip of the blade was right in his face, the blond owner remained unfazed. "We sell candy for fifteen ryo here, yeah. Let me ask again, who the _fuck_ actually tries to rob a _fucking teahouse_ , yeah?!"

"Alright, pal, you asked for it!" Generic Villain Number Two threw a kunai at the man, who merely tipped his head to the side to avoid the blade.

The kunai ended up stabbing the waitress at Sasuke's table in the face.

"Holy!" Suigetsu exclaimed, nearly biting his tongue.

"Is she still standing?" Karin said incredulously, ogling the still-smiling waitress. There was even any blood coming out of the wound that should have killed her.

The waitress' head fell off and rolled across the floor.

Cue screaming.

There was a thud as multiple people fainted, and a portly man did an amazing rendition of a girl scout's shrieks when dropping a cookie.

"Deidara," the waitress's head spoke up, her lips set in a pout. "Ina-sama is not going to be happy with you."

Sasuke stiffened. _Wait a second... blond, girly hairstyle, speech impediment... Deidara... Deidara! DEIDARA!_ Sasuke stood suddenly, slamming his palms on the table. "You!"

Deidara raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You're the bastard that kidnapped me!"

"Hold on!" Deidara scowled. "First of all, that wasn't me, un! That was _her_."

"Her?" someone echoed.

"Hey, pay us some attention!" Generic Villain Number Three demanded, waving his weapon in the air. "We're the main bad guys in today's episode!"

"Her," Deidara affirmed gravely, completely ignoring the bandits currently invading his shop. "Ina-no-Danna, otherwise known as—"

"FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, THAT CANNOT BE A CELLULITE!"

There were a collective wave of sweatdrops as a blonde woman emerged from the back room, a look of disgust on her face. "How can this be?!" Ina lamented as she walked toward Deidara. "I'm only twenty-one and I've spent most of my life being a kunoichi!" She stuck out her leg at Deidara, nearly kicking him in the balls. " _Look_!"

Her skirt was riding up, and one of the bandits had a nosebleed before Deidara grabbed her leg and pulled it down.

"Damn, you're indecent!" Deidara yelled. "Stop that, you crazy sack of shit!"

"Shut up! Can't you see I'm busy having a midlife crisis—who did that?" Ina said calmly, pointing at the waitress' head on the floor. "Arisu, who did that to you?"

"Deidara," Arisu's head replied innocently, and Ina scowled and picked her head up, caressing her hair.

"You poor dear... Oi, Deidara?! What's the big idea, huh, bullying little Arisu-chan like that?! Don't you know she's the headcanon offspring of an incestuous lesbian relationship between Aris and Aram?!"

"Twincest is wincest!" Arisu piled up cheerfully.

"Woman!" Deidara screamed at her. "Can you shut up and start paying attention?! We're being _robbed_!"

"What?" Ina gave him an incredulous look. "Who the hell robs a _teahouse_?"

Generic Villain Number One coughed guiltily.

Suigetsu sweatdropped. "We're being ignored... reduced to background characters. Juugo hasn't even gotten any speaking lines yet."

"That's because everything he says in a spoof show is everything you can't say on air," Karin reminded him.

Juugo hung his head.

"Arisu..." Ina looked down at the head in her arms solemnly. "Are you ready?"

"Yep!"

"Alright then..." Ina's eyes flashed, and she held Arisu's head tightly in one hand and wind-milled her arm around. "Here we go!"

A bead of sweat dripped down Deidara's cheek. What was she about to do? Some kind of really cool move?

"Ultimate Jutsu: INCENTUOUS CHILD BOWLING BALL ATTACK!"

Deidara fell backwards, completely and utterly done with life.

Sasuke grimaced, flinching. "What a powerful jutsu! No wonder she was able to kidnap me so easily...!"

"Huh?!" Suigetsu stared at him. "Why did you take damage from that?! And that's not even a jutsu, she just threw it at them!"

"AAUUGGHHH!" The three bandits were blown away by the jutsu, blasting off into the sky.

"WHY DID THEY TAKE DAMAGE, TOO?!" Unfortunately, Suigetsu had the role of being the straight man in Chibi Sasuke's Sharingan Legend, which carried over to here as well.

"Rats!" Sasuke hissed, getting up. "We have to retreat! She's too strong for us!"

"Right!" Karin agreed, flickering after Sasuke and Juugo.

"Too strong?!" Suigetsu jumped after them. "What are you, five?! You know what, forget it!"

And so the day was saved, at the expense of a hole in the roof and Deidara's sanity.

* * *

"You, too, huh?" Suigetsu gave a sympathetic glance at Deidara, who sat down opposite him, a gloom cloud over his head. "I thought as much. The teahouse fiasco and all."

"Don't forget about me," Tenten droned, propping her head on her palm. "I've been doing this gig longer than you two have."

"It hurts so much, yeah," Deidara groaned.

"Ditto," Tenten and Suigetsu agreed in unison.

And so the three straight men of their respective series spent the afternoon complaining about the stupid antics of their main characters.

* * *

 _ **A/N: Okay, this was just crack, even for the standards of this series. It would help to read this in Naruto SD style, because... well, that's what it kinda is.**_

 _ **In case you didn't get the scene in the end, here it is:**_

 _ **Tenten - straight man of Rock Lee and His Ninja Pals**_

 _ **Suigetsu - straight man of Chibi Sasuke's Sharingan Legend**_

 _ **Deidara - straight man of... this fic**_

 _ **Ups.**_


	7. Building A Mari Su

_**A/N: Thank you for all the lovely reviews (3**_

 ** _GG if you catch all the references._**

* * *

Rain pattered against the window, and Ina hardly looked up from what she was doing when Deidara walked in, carrying tonight's dinner in a plastic bag.

"Tadaima," he said, his voice bored. "What are you doing?"

"Designing," Ina said vaguely. And indeed, she was currently poring over her sketchbook, brushing her pencil against the paper and forming a dress. "I've been at a block after just finishing Aris and Aram and I don't want to start on Sasuke-chibi just yet."

Grumpily, Ina, who had been lying belly down on her bed, rolled onto her back. "I'm so bored. We don't have any missions today and the rain won't let me busk in town! Lame."

"Grow up, un." Deidara placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, taking a box of Pocky out of the bag and opening it. "Why don't you draw something? For fun, not work." He bit down on the thin biscuit. "Whenever I need inspiration, I jot pictures down."

"For fun, huh...?" Frowning, Ina sat up, crossing her legs, her large sleeping shirt nearly covering her knees. _Well... sometimes I wish that I had a kekkei genkai like my cute little Dei-Dei._ Well, he was thirteen now, and his voice occasionally cracked thanks to the bitch called puberty, so he wasn't as cute as he _could_ have been. But he would be. Soon. In at least four years. _This is ridiculous! I'm reborn into the Naruto world without a kekkei genkai?! I know Sues get a lot of flack and reader hate, but being a Sue would make my life so much easier..._

"Is that _drool_?"

Startled, Ina snorted. "Huh, what?"

"Ugh, you're gross." Deidara made a face at her, putting the Pocky down. "If you're that bored, I can borrow a card game from the innkeeper, un."

He was about to leave again, but Ina stopped him in his tracks. "No, no, no, wait. I have an idea. C'mere for a sec."

Deidara shot her a suspicious glance but complied, flopping belly-first onto the bed next to her. She moved closer to him so that their shoulders were touching, then flipped to an empty page in her sketchbook.

"Do you know what a Mari Su is?"

"Mari Su?" Deidara blinked. "Someone you know?"

"Pfft, I wish. Actually, no, because then I'd be reduced to a background character. Like Shino. Everybody always forgets about him."

Deidara had no idea who this Shino was (though he did know a girl called Shino in the orphanage, once), but he had a feeling that 'Shino' was irrelevant and was just being used as an obscure example. So he settled down, listening closely.

Half an hour later, he was snorting at Ina's drawing of a voluptuous female with rainbow hair, angel wings, a magic staff, cute horns, and a pet dragon that somehow managed to be cute and terrifying at the same time.

"Oi, oi, don't laugh!" Ina mock-scolded, sniggering. "Everybody wants to be her! Wouldn't you?"

"Rainbow. Hair," Deidara deadpanned, as if that explained every turbulent teenage emotion he was feeling right now.

"A small price to pay for ice powers and a fire-breathing dragon."

"But aren't those two things contradictory? What if her dragon accidentally melts her ice, huh?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Deidara, have you forgotten what I've told you about plot armor?"

Deidara glared at her, and she stuck her tongue out.

"What else should I give her?" Ina wondered ten minutes later, looking down at Akira Uzumaki-Uchiha-Hatake-Skywalker-Serenity-Mari-Su-Potter-Malfoy-Hyuuga-Haruno-Yamanaka-Lupin-Kurosaki-Ebony-Darkness-Dementia-Raven-Way-Starkit-Super-Saiyan-Soul-Reaper-Smith.

By now, Deidara was lying face down on the bed. "Anything but another name, un."

"Personally, I like Tsukishima as a middle name."

"Noooooooo...! And where the hell is the middle in that monstrosity, yeah?"

"I'll give her an extra pair of wings."

Akira Uzumaki-Uchiha-Hatake-Skywalker-Serenity-Mari-Su-Potter-Malfoy-Hyuuga-Haruno-Yamanaka-Lupin-Kurosaki-Ebony-Darkness-Dementia-Raven-Way-Starkit-Super-Saiyan-Soul-Reaper-Smith already had angel wings, bat wings, blood wings, and skeletal wings, but whoever said that too many cooks spoiled the broth never existed in this dimension so it was fair game, Ina concluded.

"Ta-da!" Ina held her notebook up for Deidara, who was giving her a flat look, to admire. "God, I want her boobs. I have absolutely nothing up there."

"Don't talk to me about that sort of thing!" barked Deidara, because Ina had conveniently forgotten that Deidara was currently thirteen and going through a world of hormones, embarrassment, and teenage angst. Oh, the horror.

So she patted his cheek with one clammy hand. "I'm going to write a book about Akira-chan and there's nothing you can do to stop me. And I'm going to use all my earnings to get a boob job."

Deidara mock-punched her in the chest.

"... That's just rubbing salt in the wound. Stop that."

"I'll stop when you stop acting like you belong in an asylum, un."

"Geez, your arm is gonna fall off from exhaustion, in that case..."

"Shut up, Ina."

* * *

Two weeks later, Ina presented to Deidara her latest creation. He gaped. She beamed.

"I can't believe you actually fucking did it," he said slowly.

"Fight me, bitch."

"Hi!" Akira Uzumaki-Uchiha-Hatake-Skywalker-Serenity-Mari-Su-Potter-Malfoy-Hyuuga-Haruno-Yamanaka-Lupin-Kurosaki-Ebony-Darkness-Dementia-Raven-Way-Starkit-Super-Saiyan-Soul-Reaper-Smith giggled, posing cutely and winking in an adorable pose. "My entire family is dead, my parents abuse me—"

"Isn't your entire family dead?" Deidara cut in, only to be talked over.

"—and I've been raped and beaten every day for most of my childhood but that's okay because everybody loves me and I'm kind, sweet, shy, and clumsy. I have a reverse harem consisting of Hatake Kakashi, the Akatsuki, Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Madara, Uchiha Obito, Senju Tobirama, Senju Hashirama, Uchiha Izuna, Gaara, and pretty much every other hot male character out there because I'm so indecisive to the point of being adorable and endearing. I have the Sharingan, the Rinnegan, the Byakugan, and Boruto's fancy dojutsu because I am super powerful, but I'm also angsty and kawaii and—"

Deidara stopped frothing at the mouth in terror and disbelief when Akira spontaneously combusted.

Ina blinked, dousing the burning puppet with the contents of the fire extinguisher she always carried with her in case of emergencies like this. "I can't say that I _didn't_ mean for that to happen."

"I'll buy you melon soda every day for a month at the cafe if you swear to never attempt to rebuild that, un."

"... Two months."

"Deal."


	8. Shisui's Upper Thighs

**_A/N: This took a while, mostly because I'm working on another fic on my main account, jungkookies. RIP, soz._**

* * *

 _Twang._

 _Twang twang._

 _Twang twang twang._

 _Twangtwangtwangtwangtwang_ —

"What are you doing?"

"Beethoven like you've never heard it before."

"What. You know we just got jumped, right?"

"I know."

Uchiha Shisui couldn't help but allow a bead of sweat to drip down his forehead in sheer disbelief. This was supposed to be his last mission as a member of the general forces before his official transition into ANBU. So why couldn't it be going in a more positive direction? The mission was a simple B-rank that no one else had time to carry out, one that the Hokage had given to him. He had left his teammates to scour another area, knowing that they needed each other more than he needed them.

But now here he was, staring at a two blond preteens, one of them holding skewered meat over a campfire and the other strumming some kind of string instrument.

 _Twang._

 _Twang twang._

The meat over the fire burst into flames, but none of them seemed to notice.

So Shisui decided to get straight to the point. He had only revealed himself because they didn't seem to be ninjas (they wore no headbands, were out in the open with a campfire, and their chakra levels were relatively low) or bandits. "What are you doing here?" _Are they here to seek refuge in Konoha? Because the papers are a bitch to do._ It required signatures of at least five different generally hard to reach people, and that was probably the easiest bit.

"Er," the blond boy said intelligently, looking to the blonde girl (were they siblings? The girl's hair was much paler).

"Oh, we're taking a camping trip," the girl explained, strumming her instrument. "I would offer you a kebab, but Deidara just charred it."

"A camping trip," Shisui deadpanned. "In the middle of a war. This close to Konoha. By yourselves."

"Uh, yes?" She perked up. "Oh, I know what you want!"

Official papers? Yes. Travel documents? Double yes. Identification/affiliation? Sign him the fuck up. But then the girl put down her instrument and reached into her sleeve, prompting her brother(?) to speak up indignantly.

"Ina, you can't!"

Shisui was immediately more on guard than ever. What was she about to produce? A weapon?

"I'm sorry, Deidara," the girl, Ina, said regretfully. "Please forgive me..."

It was a suicide seal or something, wasn't it? Shisui just knew it. They were enemy spies cleverly disguised as nomads and they were going to kill themselves because they'd been caught—

Ina removed from her sleeve an extra-large bag of the fluffiest marshmallows Shisui had ever seen.

"... But sharing is caring," Ina finished seriously.

"Dammit, Ina, why, un! I _don't_ care!"

"Don't be rude to our guest!" Huffing, Ina tore the packet open and tossed one in her mouth before offering the bag to Shisui. "Want some? They're limited edition, which is why this buzzkill is so mad."

Now, Shisui was one of the best shinobi of his time, despite his young age. He was one of the fastest in the village, and his very name— _Uchiha Shisui_ —struck fear in the hearts of even the most experienced shinobi. He didn't get this good without intense training and getting a few mental scars along the way—scars that taught him to never trust blindly.

Which was why he was questioning his sanity as he sat down on the log, next to Ina, took three marshmallows, and stabbed the sweets through a particularly long kunai he had procured from his weapons pouch.

Which he then held over the fire, watching the flames lick at the pink and white surfaces of the fluffy goodness.

"Itadakimasu!" Ina said cheerfully, shoving more marshmallows into her mouth.

They ate in awkward silence. Or, at least, Deidara and Shisui did. Shisui had a feeling that Deidara was the sensible, sane one.

(That intact sanity would probably not remain intact for long. Shisui had spent less than ten minutes with Ina and he was already feeling common sense being slowly whittled away in his brain. He suspected that Deidara had trained himself against mind attacks if he'd lasted this long in her company).

((He was waiting for Deidara to suddenly lose it and started clucking like a chicken)).

"So," Shisui finally spoke up, and he knew that he was no longer himself anymore. "Where are you going next?"

"Yugakure," Ina answered through a mouthful of sugary goodness.

"That's nice." In fact, Itachi's family (sans Itachi himself, if the way Fugaku bragged that his son would be in ANBU by next week at the latest was any indication) would be heading there in about two weeks from now. Wonderful.

"So are children."

Deidara and Shisui stared at her, watching her slowly chew.

"Okay," Shisui said in the end. "I'm gonna go now."

"Okay, bye."

They all stared at one another.

Ina lifted her instrument.

 _Twang._

 _Twang twang._

 _Twang twang twang._

 _Twangtwangtwangtwang_ —

Shisui disappeared into the trees and far, far away, but not before hearing the following:

"You were checking out his ass, weren't you?"

"I-I was educating myself. He has a particularly high concentration of chakra near his... _upper thighs_."

"Gross, un. He's probably constipated, then."

Shisui very nearly choked and died on his own saliva. It wasn't until he got back to the village that he realized he had never escorted them to the border or apprehended them.

Oh well.

His ass had been in danger, and he wasn't about to put it in the line of fire again.

* * *

As soon as Ina mastered Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, she started using it as an alarm clock to wake Deidara up.

He was not amused.

As such, it surprised absolutely no one when Ina discovered her ukelele exploded into bits and halfway-flushed in their inn room's toilet.

She proceeded to build another one.

Deidara could safely say that he didn't _mean_ to become a terrorist, it had just _happened_.


	9. Playing With Lava

_**A/N: And it's back to academy days...**_

* * *

"Heeeeey, what'cha lookin' at?"

Ina turned her head to the side to see her friend, Kana, grinning at her. She was one of _those_ kunoichi—the ones that cared more about their hair, appearance, and boys more than their ninja career. To be fair, Ina's life wasn't exactly revolving around becoming a kickass ninja either. She had other things to be a badass motherfucker at, in her own humble opinion. But, hey, at least Kana was nice.

"A boyfriend?"

"He's five, doofus." Ina nudged her shoulder with her own, mock glaring. "And he's the cutest little thing to ever exist."

"What's he like?"

"Weeelll~"

Unfortunately, she wasn't able to catch sight of Deidara before the entrance ceremony for his grade began and the older grades (which she was a part of) had to go to class. The graduating age in Iwa (during times of war, at least) was eight years old, but if she was correct, the Third Shinobi War would be ending soon, and they would be graduating at twelve or thirteen like normal academy students.

As soon as lunch came around, she stomped down to the schoolyard to search for a head of blond hair.

Eventually she did find him, looking extremely annoyed as a dark-haired little girl played with his hair, her friends laughing approvingly behind her.

"It's so long!" a baby-faced Kurotsuchi exclaimed, wide-eyed. "Are you sure you're not a girl? 'Cause you sure look like one."

"For the last time! I'm not a girl, yeah!" Deidara tried to pull away from her, but she held on tight to his fringe. "Let go!"

"Nuh uh! Not until you let me braid it."

Deidara grabbed her wrist, and she shrieked when she felt a tongue lick her skin.

"Eww! What is that?!"

Deidara's pupils dilated into pinpricks, and Ina winced at how terrified he looked. She knew that the 'give-no-fucks-unless-it's-art-related' attitude he had during Shippuden hadn't quite yet developed and he didn't have thick enough skin to brush off the judgement of his peers.

Kurotsuchi's little friends recoiled in disgust when they saw the extra mouths on his palms.

"Eww! That's so gross!"

"What a freak..."

"Come on, Kurotsuchi, let's go play somewhere else. With normal people."

"Wait, I know you! You're that orphan that got in trouble the last time I visited the orphanage." Apparently, her grandfather, the Tsuchikage, liked to play politics and build relations by having his granddaughter 'bond' with the war orphans/future indoctrinated soldiers. Kurotsuchi sneered cruelly. "You really are a freak! I heard that your parents were monsters!"

"Shut up, you bitch!" Ooh, a five year old just swore. He didn't even notice Ina walk up behind him, too upset.

Kurotsuchi opened her mouth to retort, but shrunk back when Ina appeared right beside Deidara and lazily slung an arm around his neck.

"You know what I heard?" Ina drawled. "That your mother doesn't know how to pronounce 'no'—that's how she had you."

Now, Ina didn't really have anything against Kurotsuchi. Arrogance aside, she was a pretty kickass kunoichi. Or would be, in the future. But right now, she, frankly, was being an obnoxious little prick.

Kurotsuchi spluttered. "W-wha—"

"And you three," Ina pointed at her mindless minions, "I know your mothers, and you're all products of rape." She took Deidara by the hand. "Now come on, Dei-kun, let's leave these little assholes to get their math done before they get pregnant."

Bless Brandon Rogers from her past life. _So_ many one-liners were now at her disposal.

They walked in silence for a little bit before she heard Deidara mumbled something underneath his breath.

She tilted her head. "Hm? Speak up a little, Dei."

"I said thanks!" he blurted, cheeks coloring. "That was pretty cool..."

"Pfft." She ruffled his hair with her other hand. "You're gonna become cooler than me someday. Girls are going to drool over you." She would know, because she'd been one of them. "I'm trash compared to you. Now come on, let's steal some ice cream from that old man again."

"Un!"

* * *

 ** _A few weeks later..._**

"What do you mean I have detention for the rest of the term?!"

"You do realize you threatened the Tsuchikage's granddaughter to," the chunin teacher flipped through the papers on his clipboard, gaze flattening, "'resize your asshole so that it becomes a fucking shower drain'. While we embrace violence, we do not condone unnecessary rape."

"Wait, _unnecessary_?" Ina leaned forward on the desk, jaw gaping.

The chunin kept going as if she had never spoken, "You've also committed seven counts of arson, five counts of assault, nine counts of excessive force during spars, fearmongering, two counts of dabbling in occultism, and one attempted drowning."

"Well, I'm _sorry_ that I didn't know that her gills were just a superficial genetic mutation."

He gave her a cold look. "Tsk, not even going to defend yourself on the rest of those incidents? Get out of here, brat. You're never going to make it in life."

"Excuse me, irrelevant background character, but I believe you have your head up your ass."

 _"Out."_

Huffing, Ina exited the room, eyes lighting up when she saw Deidara.

"Ina! I finally got Kurotsuchi-teme to leave me alone for good, un!" he told her excitedly.

"Eh, really?" Ina beamed at him. "How?"

"I followed her into the toilet secretly and then shoved her head into the bowl. It got stuck. I got the idea, yeah, when you tried doing it to that girl with the gills. The one that passed away from shock last night."

"Wait, she what—okay, I should have foreseen myself accidentally killing someone. But, did you... just leave her there?" _Oh god, I better not have irreversibly messed up canon more than I already have by exploiting Deidara. Isn't she supposed to be the future Tsuchikage?_

"Yeah, why?"

"Was she still moving?"

"Um, I think so. The air started getting really warm, yeah, so I left..."

Wait, warm? A billion thoughts ran through her brain. _Kurotsuchi; she had a special kind of release similar to Mei's, right? What was it again..._ Her eyes widened. "Oh, shit—"

In the distance, a birdwatcher saw a huge geyser of lava explode into the air from one side of the school with a resounding boom.

* * *

School was cancelled for the rest of the week.

An old man found that, during this time, he lost a lot of his ice cream produce.


End file.
